Wednesday, November 27, 2013

No-way did I make it through No-weigh November

Yep, it's true.  I weighed myself.  The scale didn't move.  It didn't budge.  Not even an ounce.  I am thankful that I took pictures though.  I also measured myself.  This is also because I started a detox tea.  All-natural, GF, tea from  I think it tastes yummy.  I thought it would be a nice addition to my routine, whether it works or not.. we shall see.  I'm only a week in.  I had to take stomach pictures before starting.  Those are saved to my phone and I'll reveal those after the challenge is up (3 weeks from now).  I do have difficulty cutting out dairy though.  Whether it be the cream for my coffee or greek yogurt.  I just can't seem to shake those two.  Better effort coming forth....

Anyways... here are pics from my start of Phase 1 of Jillian Michael's Body Revolution to today, the start of Phase 2... four weeks apart.  I missed three days throughout the month.  All three of those days were cardio days.  I did TRX (oh em gee, love it) on Monday and did a "Better Booty" workout two times... that I would like to incorporate into my routine 2x's a week for a month and then up to it 3x's a week... I just haven't gotten there.  But none the less.. here are the 4 week progress shots:

*biceps seem to be coming along nicely, as well as the shoulders*
*I really don't know how to flex*
*My lighting is terrible*
 *Back is looking good, too*

I purchased some Yaktrax to be able to run in the snowy, icy cold weather.  Yep, it's snowing here like cAArraaazzZZZy.  And I love it.  <3
I have never really run in the snow-snow.  JW and I ran a race in the cold in November and December of last year... but there was not any snow on the ground.

Well.. like I said.. it's snowing here.  Which means all four of my kids are outside playing in it.  No one's crying.  No one's screaming.  No one's shooting nerf discs at anyone.  It's quiet... and I'm going to take a shower.  In peace.

That is.. until I hit publish and TOTALLY jink myself.

Happy Thanksgiving y'all.. make healthy choices.  Be mindful.  Get out and play!  :)

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Soooo, when does something become a habit?

Habits are hard to break... so I've heard.  I also heard that it takes a certain amount of time for a habit to form.  I was hoping it would be around now.. 4 weeks in.  I did not want to work out today.  Or yesterday.  Or the day before.  Tuesdays are my "calendar" days off.  Monday I was supposed to do cardio, but I thought, "ehh, I'll just do it Tuesday, on my usual day off."  Well, I didn't.  So I went two whole days without working out.  That's the first in 4 weeks.  I know I shouldn't beat myself up over it, so I didn't.  I literally made myself work out today though.  I dreaded the work out.  I texted the boyfriend and said just that, "I dread working out :("  He wrote back, "you will feel better."  I got it after I worked out.  :)  This morning I kept telling myself, "I'll workout and then I'll blog about how I didn't want to work out."  Boring.

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But I'm going to be honest... today was the first time in weeks that I really felt like I don't want to work out anymore, as in.. ever again.  I REALLY dreaded changing my pants into shorts... I already had the sports bra on.. just kept the long sleeve CoopLoop shirt on.  Then I hit "play."  I really wanted the 2 year old to be asleep, but there was no luck on my side for that one.  But hey, he's asleep now.. snoring away:

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I can't give up.  I can never give up.  Nope...  So what do I do to hold myself even more accountable?  More than doing the positive self talk.. because let's face it... actions speak louder than words... I sign up for really *dumb* things.  I say dumb right now because I'm thinking in my head, "now why would I sign up for a 200 mile relay race?"  Yeah, you read that.  I SIGNED UP FOR A 200 MILE RELAY RACE.  Relay is the key-word.  Thank goodness.  Which means, I'll run 3 legs of it over a 2 day period with no sleep.  I joined a team out of Albany and will be traveling to Cape Cod Mother's Day weekend to compete in this challenge.  The rest of my clan will meet me there on Saturday.. at the finish line and we will spend the rest of the weekend on the Cape and relaxing.  :) 

Ragnar Relay Series

And then I am going to do another 200 mile relay race in September.  This one going from Lake George to Lake Placid.  And I'll then earn the double medal:

The only other race I am signed up for at this point is the Spartan Sprint.  The boyfriend and I hope to also do the Super and Beast to earn our Trifecta in 2014.  I'm sure most of you are thinking, "ugh what?"  So here's the link:

Spartan Trifecta

The only reason we are not signed up for any other races is due to a lack in funds.  It's expensive, adds up and we just cannot justify it right now.

However, that should change REAL soon.  I have been credentialed with at least one insurance company... so I am that much closer to being in private practice, whoop whoop!:)

And I have a whole lot of races that I want to sign up for... !! 

Anyways, back to the habits forming.  It's crazy how so much of our not wanting to exercise is in our heads.  Crazy I tell ya.  My thoughts this morning:

* I don't want to get sweaty
* It's going to suck because I hate push ups
* I just want to weigh myself

Okay.  So then I had to change those thoughts around:

* Sweating is fat crying
* Push ups suck because they work
* What the eff for?!  You look good, you feel great.. you wore leggings the other day and leggings aren't pants. 
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*Don't mind the mess behind me.. it's not mine...* I need a mirror in my bedroom*

Yeah, those leggings?  Freaking comfortable.  Check out: for some super awesome $15 leggings.  Again, another Instagram motivation.

I knew I wasn't going to get much else done today.. so I did me.  And I feel great. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Mind/Matter. Mind OVER Matter.

So much of life is mind over matter.  Really.  Our brains talk to us WAY too much.  I mean, I thought I talked a lot, personally.  But my brain really doesn't shut up. EVER.  So, recently (like a day ago), I decided that I need to do more of this:

A few posts ago I mentioned how so much of my life is about being mindful.  In that we need to be mindful of our every day thoughts.  When things are bothering you do you REALLY pay attention to what your brain is saying.  REALLY pay attention?  If it's negative, change it.  Flip it around.  Tell your brain to shut it and press on.

This morning I had no motivation WHATSOEVER to work out.  I had a plan though.  My intention was to have lunch with the little dude, give it a half hour, put him down for a nap and blast thru a video.  And I did.  Why?  Because I kept telling myself I was going to.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  I just did it.  I am thankful.  I was simply one workout away from a better mood (I have been a grump-ass the past 24 hours and it really needed to stop)... and I TOTALLY JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY. 

Now, in being mindful of my thoughts... why was yesterday a total grump-ass day?  What was yesterday.. a really cool date (11/12/13).. but it was my "rest" day.  I did no exercise.  I can't tell ya what I ate because I really don't remember.  I know that the majority of the day I kept thinking about exercising, even talked about working out with someone in the near future... but I didn't exercise.  Why?  Because my calendar said "rest." 

I designed that calendar three weeks ago.  I only rested because it said to.  Perhaps I should be mindful, listen to my thoughts, see what's so grump-ass about them and do the opposite.  I probably should have just worked out.  Duh.  It's all I thought about and researched throughout the day.

P.S.:  Even retail therapy didn't help yesterday.  That's gotta tell you what a natural anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication working out is and how beneficial endorphins are for your body. 

Just listen to your thoughts and... just do the opposite... until your brain is trained to only say the good stuff.  ;)

Friday, November 8, 2013


Numbers.  Why must they define our success or progress or where we are at?

I'm having a very tough time in not getting on the scale.  I know how unhealthy it was for me, mentally and physically, to constantly weigh myself (daily and sometimes multiple times in a day).  I asked Jeff's daughters to hide the scale on me.  Jeff said, "weird, right?" to them.  Yeah, it's weird.  I agree.  But what's even more weird are the constantly annoying thoughts in my head in almost wanting to search for the scale.  I promised myself I would not weigh myself until December.  It's only the 8th of November.  It's only been a week and two days since the last time I weighed myself.  I lived a whole 2.5 years without a scale; sneaking a weigh-in at work and at the gym was the only the other place where I had access to a scale.  And in that 2.5 years is when I was at my worst..err, heaviest.  Maybe it's a cognitive, irrational belief in that I need to weigh myself to know where I am at.  Even though I feel good.  For the most part.

Probably the same goes with my checking and savings account.  Pssh, don't measure my success there.  There's nothing there!! However, I constantly feel the need to check it.  Daily.  Even though I am not putting anything there... maybe I have another irrational belief that perhaps someone else may put something there.  Ha! :)

Anyways, I am going to continue to hold myself accountable and not weigh myself.. just to see what the scale shows in 3 weeks.  After that, I want to only weigh myself weekly.  That's what I did when I first started this journey and then it became obsessive for some reason.  I guess because I lost weight so quickly, it was almost an excitement for me to see the numbers lessen (while my checkbook has the opposite effect..weird).  Maybe I'm reaching a "plateau" of sorts. 

But in that the numbers are going down on the scale why are my jean sizes not going down?  I have been wearing my "fat jeans" from college.  I have almost always been able to "fit" into them (at times not so prettily).  They seem to fit differently now; definitely tight in the quads and way, way loose in the waist.  Maybe it's because I haven't really gone shopping and automatically grab the size 12s because that's what I am used to... and they "fit."  Ish.  Maybe it's because I'm afraid to look in the mirror to see what it really looks like on me.  It's so sad how destructive our brain can be.  We need to change that.  I HAVE tried on a pair of hand-me-down 7s..  I was able to get them on and button them.  But I still won't wear them.  WHY?!!!

I was wearing leggings the other day.  Ya know, those reallllly tight tight, leave nothing to the imagination pants, that every girl wears with their boots and a cute sweater or their boyfriend's buttondown?.. yeah.. I looked in the mirror.  A few of them.  Then I immediately texted my boyfriend and said, "Why haven't you told me how ridiculous these pants look on me?!"  They aren't tight.  They are loose and bunchy and I look like a frumpy mom.  I DON'T WANNA BE THE FRUMPY MOM.  Come on now.  He didn't respond.  I brought it up at dinner.  He said because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  I think it's because he doesn't want me lookin' too good ;) haha.  (ILY).

I could go on and on about numbers and how they define us, but I think many other people have written about that.  Instead, I'll continue with my purpose of this blog: to motivate myself and others.  And in that I have taught myself and y'all that the key to success is positive self talk.  If we tell ourselves that we must be a certain weight (number), pant size (number), make a certain salary (#) or have a really big house with lots of square footage (number)... we are only hurting ourselves and not living.  Really, you aren't living if you have to define everything with a number and are constantly working towards that number.  Living is right now.  NOW.  We have already lived in the past and we can't go back there.  We can't transport into the future, we aren't there yet either.  So live nOw.  In the moment.  There is no number on that.  There is no number on the feel good feel after a workout.  There is no number on the satisfaction of cooking and eating a really tasty, yummy, good for you, filling meal.  There is no number on the fun you have when you go down the slide with your 2 year old because you can fit comfortably in the slide and are not winded from running around.... because there's always "one more time, mommy!" <3

Monday, November 4, 2013

Abs are made in the kitchen. For real.

"Both belly bulge and love handles are about excess body fat, not lack of muscle.  Crunches and ab exercises are therefore not the solution.  The best way to reduce these problem areas is to reduce your overall body fat percentage, and we all know that requires diet and exercise." - Jillian Michaels

However, exercise will only go so far.  I don't know how many years I have spent trying to justify what I eat by comparing the caloric intake to calories burned on a treadmill or as calculated by my Garmin.  It just ain't gonna work that way people. 

I want to say it's ALL diet.  ALL diet.  If you continue to eat crap; you are going to feel like crap and ultimately "look" that way.  Our bodies are machines.  We need to fuel them.  If you don't get on point with your diet and continue to eat processed foods, doing a thousand crunches a day is not going to get you too far because you will still have that lovely layer, that lovely pouch, that tire.. whatever you want to call it.  It's going to be there.  Nothing burns that fat off.  You need to shed it by not fueling it anymore garbage. 

As a rule of thumb, you need to begin to fuel your body in the morning.  Think of it as a fire in a woodstove.  Start heavy and then feed it lightly throughout the day.  You don't want to give it too much or you will smother it.  You only want to give it the good stuff too.  I am not a dietician or a nutritionist.  But I do know that I feel like I need to be a chemist to read our food labels anymore.  Sorry, but when there are so many consonants next to each other, followed up with a few "x"s here and there... I don't need to be eating it.  Neither do you.. and I won't feed it to my children.  OR, at least I try not to and it's in moderation when I do.  STAY AWAY FROM PROCESSED CRAP.  If you cannot pronounce what is in the food then don't eat it.  If there are ingredients that sound like chemistry class, don't eat it.  If there are a large quantity of ingredients in one food item, don't eat it.  It's simple, really. 

Here's my soap box and my own little conspiracy theory.  We live in America.  We are bound by the almighty dollar.  Everything is money driven.  People are in it for the big buck.  I know I mentioned before that we have "sickcare" not "healthcare."  We go to the doctor when we are sick, they prescribe medications to make the symptoms go back to baseline.  That's it.  We go back if there continue to be symptoms.  Why not try something different?  Why not look at what we eat and how that impacts us; physically and emotionally.  I am a FIRM believer, hate me if you wanna, in the fact that we give money to the doctors, they prescribe medications.  Pharmaceutical companies often times fund the research to make us believe that medications will work...   So, who is going to make any money off of telling you that Apple Cider Vinegar will cure so many ailments?  No one. 


WE are driven as a society to eat what is placed in the grocery stores, in the center aisles, that is loaded with toxins, preservatives, additives, color enhancers, etc... it's easier, it's cheap, it lasts awhile... but what else does it get to you?  Behavioral issues.  Emotional issues.  Cancer.  Significant physical issues; stomach problems, IBS, obesity, headaches, migraines... etc.  But we are quick to pop a pill and make it go away.  Doesn't happen at my house.  And it shouldn't happen at yours.  Google "Monsanto."  Do your own research.  Compare our rates to that in other countries.  It's not rocket science. 


Losing weight is only a positive side effect from eating clean and healthy, by shopping the parameter of the grocery store and visiting our local farmers market.  Even then, be careful.  What is labeled as organic and all-natural may not be ALL true.  Again, we are driven by money and when the FDA approves something as such, keep in mind that they are run by the government.  :)

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... or something like that.

So.. since "publishing" my blog (weird.. I have a blog, all the haters are prolly thinking... great, now she's writing about it)... so many people have inspired me to keep going in SO many ways.  In their inspiration and their words of praise many of them have asked me how I got started.  I started answering some of the messages and texts and realized, heck.. I can blog about it! 

Like I said it in my first post, I have started so many times.  So many times.  SOOOOO many times.  But what really got me going was a handful of things:

1).  The C25K program.  There are many apps that take the guess work out of it.  Back in the day (haha) when I started it I had to hand write it out and carry it to the treadmill with me.  Yep.  I started "running"... "wogging" (walking/jogging) back after I separated from my husband.  I needed something to take my mind off the pain, the rumors, the hurt, the change, the fact that my kid was going to have to be in banana splits... so, that was back in 2009/2010.  After each time I ran on the treadmill I wrote the distance and time it took.  I kept a log of it.  I used to have it but threw it away, I wish I didn't..  LOG everything.  I have so many notebooks around my house.  For real.  I love notebooks.
2).  An inspiring friend at the time.  That still inspires me.  Yet, she doesn't know it and I don't know how to tell her.  Maybe someday I can. 
3).  The Oneonta Running Group (ORG).  It wasn't the Oneonta Running Group at the time.  Even though I didn't join them often and still don't, their Facebook page inspires me to be a runner.  I guess I can call myself a runner.  I mean, I ran a half marathon once.  That will be a whole other blog.
4).  Pictures.  PICTURESpictures.  You may not feel change and you WILL get discouraged... so take pictures.  Do it.  Naked, half naked, fully dressed, sitting in front of the mirror, straight on, from the side, from behind.. every position.  For reals.  Put them in a folder on your computer and look at them when you aren't feeling so positive. 
5).  Hearthbreak.  Yup.  Heartbreak.  I knew that with the anger I had within me I could not project it as such.  I had to place it elsewhere, in a positive-medium.  Thank a higher being for heavy stuff, and I mean iron.. not liquor.. although, that would have been "easier" I think.  Start throwing heavy shit around.  Run.  That'll make you less pissed.  Until, of course, you feel like you can't run.. then you are too tired to be mad.  When that doesn't work, lift after running.  :)  That was me, last summer and I haven't looked back.
6).  Pinterest.  Pinterest has ideas and motivation for everything.  Quotes are my lifeline.  For some it's music, same thing.  I loooove quotes.  And yep, I have a notebook with quotes in it.  Nerd.

Wait, so what got me started?  Many things.  Physical and emotional.  I had hit rock bottom and didn't know where to look but up.  In that I KNEW I had to take care of myself.  I am therapist.  A mental health therapist and a damn good one at that.  I had to start practicing what I preach.  If I can't help myself then who can I help?  For reals.  No more hypocrisy.  I started living for me and my boys.  I incorporated them into my workouts, my runs, my diet, my whole entire life.  I didn't live for anyone else, but my little family.  I knew when facilitating groups and counseling that the reflections I gave to others I could easily give to myself.  I could see my patients from week to week and realize they were not incorporating the work that was done IN therapy outside of therapy.  I had to take a different approach.  Motivational interviewing baaa-by. 

Ugh.. what?

Positive self talk.  Motivation.  How motivated are you?  On a scale of 1-10 how much do you want to change?  How do you get to a higher number?  Why aren't you at a lower number?  It's all about motivation.

I struggle with motivation.

I JUST struggled with motivation.  The 2 year old needed a nap.  He was clearly overtired and didn't want to sleep.  I put him upstairs and he cried and cried and cried while I worked out.  Do you know how annoying it is to listen to a child cry and cry while you are trying to concentrate on reps and getting frustrated because you are winded?!  It sucks.  But, I knew that I was one workout away from feeling better.  So, I finished my workout, reminded him that I love him dearly (he wanted his blankey and if anyone knows Silas..."mommy do it" and I'm trying to stop that) and here I am.

So, what motivates me... what keeps me going?

Pictures.  The feel good feel after a workout.  Peoples' feedback.  YOUR words to me.  The way it lasts all day long, until the next workout.  The struggle.  The fact that I can do it and I will live.  Shit, I haven't died yet from a workout or a run... almost, but it hasn't happened yet.  You won't die either.

Some days it's a matter of just pushing the "play" button on the DVD player.  Believe me, there are days where there has been too much stuff on my mind, the 2 year old feeling he needed to be underneath me during a plank, and I've had to shut it off.  And that's okay.  I don't look back.  I don't give up.  I just do it again.  AND again.... AND AGAIN. 

I follow programs that are written out and obvious.. taking the guess work out of it.  What I am struggling with right now is knowing how much to eat.  There's soo much science to it.  I know baseline is to burn more than you consume, but you don't want to go into starvation mode either.  So, I am listening to my body and feeding it when it's hungry.. and then some.  I drink lots of water and pee wayyyy more than I ever have.  EVER.  And I hate it.  But, I tell myself that there's a reason for it.  It means my body is working and the toxins are leaving my body.

Back to the whole "positive self talk" thing.  It works.  You tell yourself you can't do something or be something, you start believing yourself.  You tell a kid they are worthless and not college material or they are gonna end up like so and so, they can start to believe it... (maybe that will be another blog in itself...sheesh).. OR you can do the opposite.. tell yourself that you can do it.  And then... for some reason (whatever yours may be)... you just do it.

No wonder Nike is a multibillionaire company.  They are right on.  JUST DO IT.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Not fat? How about "not post pictures because I was fat."

No offense to those that say I wasn't "fat."  Really, that's nice of you.  However, I know what I saw.  I know what I felt.  I know that I did not like having pictures taken of me... and if any were do you think I would post them anywhere?!  Helllllssss-nah!  But, here they are.  The photographer is Lisa Brooker (my mamasita).  Her webpage is  Minus the chub-ness these are very nice pictures.  I'll have to have her take some of me when she comes back to New York next.  I don't know how much I weighed.  I didn't have a scale then for obvious, QUITE obvious reasons.  I know that at my last doctor's visit when I was pregnant with Silas (age 2 currently) I hit 200.  Yup.  It's true.. and that's me announcing it to the cyber world.  After having him I hovered around 175-178 for the looooongest time; probably about a year I would say (p.s. I am about 5'6'').  Then I started doing Body by Vi shakes, randomly.. nothing consistent and dropped about 14 lbs... but then... then I found the female-love of my life (Body By Stacy) who I hired and she came to me, so I had NO EXCUSES.  Find her at  I found her and she was life changing for me.  Very much so.  At the same time was another gigantically horrible change in my life.  I became a single mom of two little boys.  That may or may not be another blog in itself, we shall see.  There's still pain there like no tomorrow.  But it doesn't make me cry anymore, so I guess that's growth....

Any-who... let's get on with the show:  ::bow-chicka-wow-wow::

Obviously completely miserable.... Summer 2011.....

  These are from Myrtle Beach.. a year ago:

Silas is saying: "Shhh, my mom thinks she looks good here... let her."
And the worst day of my life and when it ALL changed for me (May 2012).. a blessing in disguise (again, maybe another blog):


No way, no how do I meaningfully allow for people to impact my mood, my hopes, my dreams and my desires.  This blog is coming to you from a non-working social worker.  That will be a whole other rant some other day as to why I am not working at this present moment.  Wait, not working?  Simply because I don't obtain a pay check I am not working?!  Psshh, puh-lease.  I have never worked my ass off... quite so literally, than I have these days!  Yup... from fat-so to fit-so with a few jealous, annoyed people in between with a two year old always around and a five year old here half of the time... as well as two teenaged girls who I have to be completely mindful of in that my behaviors impact their perception of adult women.

Sooo... guess what?!  There will be no direction to this blog.  I'll write/type whatever comes off my pretty little fingers.  And they are quite little.  You should see the size of my pinky.  It's really not normal. 

Anyways.  I started my weight-loss journey at no particular time.  It's always been one fad after another, followed up with one excuse after another.  These days it's none of that.  Why?  Because they aren't days anymore.  It's one day a time.  When that's too much for me... it's one moment at a time.  Even then those become overwhelming, so I just do one second to one second.  That seems to help.  Minutes to minutes can be too long; a microwave minute, a Shaun T minute, a Jillian Michael's Minute.. a man's minute (6 months later...).

Especially with weight lifting.  Wait.  Weight lifting?  But you're a girl.  Oh really?  I didn't know those with vaginas can't lift weights... but they can.  And heavily at that.  Without...WITHOUT...getting bulky.  Get this, if you burn what you put in your pie hole, you won't bulk. You will bulk if you eat more than you burn.  I call that getting fat though.  At times I will want to bulk.  Why?  To turn it into muscle.  Bulk and then shred and see what lovely little surprises are underneath that "bulk."  Someday.  I am not quite there yet.

Back to the "no-way"... so.. I was inspired to write this blog to hold me accountable and for inspiration from followers... I might have them someday... and I feel like I already do, somewhat.  I posted a rant on Facebook earlier today because there are some negative people that I am "friends" with on there.  I put that lightly.  And in that rant, I found my true supporters and inspiration, as well as maybe some followers.  Followers are cool.. the right kind anyway.  I follow lots of people on Instagram.  That's also where I get my inspiration.  Some may feel that I am little weird or might "bat for the other team" considering what I follow on that.  To me it's girl-crushes... someone I strive to look like or find inspiration and motivation within..someone I could be really good friends with.  Just don't look over my shoulder if I am checking Instagram or Facebook, unless, of course, you are like me and don't find a half naked body as having to be sexual.  Nope.

The other part of "no-weigh".. I am not weighing myself, for a MONTH.  The month of November.  Nope.  I am going to make Jeff (the boyfriend) hide it on me tonight when he gets home from work.  There's no reason for it.  I want to see if I can do it.  That scale is stupid and soooo inaccurate.  What is accurate are pictures.  Pictures such as these:

July 27, 2013.  No idea how much I weigh.. but beginning to be more mindful of eating and working out.  Nothing really consistent.  That was just a couple of weeks after running the 1st 15k of my life.  :)  The Boilermaker 2013.  I'll write more about running in another blog.

Yesterday: 146.7 pounds.  And my peace-out to all my of Cub-scouts.  Those that need not support me or get offended by my posts need not to be in my life any longer.  See ya.... don't wanna be ya...


Today.  The beginning of a new beginning.  Posting this and being held accountable by all of you.  It is what it is. 

... and here it goes.  "Publish."