The harder the challenge, the greater the triumph

So true.  There's something to be said about completing a challenge and that feeling of "I did it."

I will have to keep telling myself this as I train for the 2014 Marine Corps Marathon (26.2 miles)!  Yes.. I decided to take on the challenge of training and running for the MCM in October.  I have decided to raise money through a charity called "Homes for Our Troops."  It's an organization that builds specially adapted homes for our severely injured veterans.  I chose this particular charity because I have been working with a number of homeless (not injured, but homeless) veterans since beginning at OFO.  It deeply saddens me to see anyone homeless, but to see a veteran.. one of our own, young or old, struggling is even more disheartening.  We have conversations about the duty that they have fulfilled for our country and how as a country we fail them.  Therefore, I've wanted to bring awareness around this and raise money for a charity closely related.  I cannot even fathom the struggles of injured, physically injured, veterans.  If you would like to read more about the charity and to support my efforts here is a link to do so:  http://hfotmcm14.kintera.org/ashleywarren

I thank all of you that have supported and encouraged me thus far.  I know that finances are a struggle for many... oh I know this all too well, but please consider any amount.  A little goes a long way.  I am more than half way to my goal already!

So, with that being said.  I officially started training today.  My goal was to complete my task at hand within an hour and I told the girls to call 911 if 2 hours had passed.  My goal was to run a "country block."  For those of you that know where I live you're probably thinking... okay, "where?"  Yeah, I made a left out of my driveway... with my bonehead of a dog that's never ran with a human before.  Over an hour later we returned.  :-p

It.. Was... Awful...

First of all.. I haven't ran in months, but that's okay.. I was prepared for that!  Secondly, Ruby is a Border Collie/Aussie mix.  A herding dog.  And that's all she did to me the entire 5 miles was herd me.  I take that back.  Around mile 4 she got tired... and then she was absolutely perfect.  But the first four miles were a workout that I did not anticipate.  I knew that she was going to be moronic.  But I did not expect her to jump at my feet each time a car came.  I really think that she was overly excited and just couldn't wait to see what was next!  Going down hill was awful.  Trying to hold her back without wanting to kill her was a workout in itself.  Of course going uphill she wanted to stay behind me at that point... so almost dragging her or at least having a taut rope the entire time.  See:

She's a bright dog... and needs some work.  JW is to run with her from here on out until she gets a hang of it!

So, I did just over 5 miles in just over an hour... This is what a country block looks like:

That orange part in the upper right?  That's a hill.  A muddy, messy hill.  These pictures do not do justice:

So, any time you wanna run a "country block," let me know.  The pace will be significantly faster and there will not be a dog in tow!!!

There's a lot of training to be done.  So, what better motivation than signing up for a few races.  My tenative race schedule is as follows:

April - Cider Mill 5k -- haven't registered

May - Base Race 10k -- haven't registered

June - Spartan Sprint

June - Race the Lake 13.8 (http://www.clarksportscenter.com/events/race-the-lake/) -- haven't reigstered

July -  Boilermaker 15k

Aug - Camp Chingachgook Challenge 1/2 Marathon (http://www.areep.com/events/acc/) -- haven't registered

Sept - Ragnar Adirondacks -- haven't registered

Oct -  MARINE CORPS MARATHON

Please feel to join me on any of them!  You can even sign up for your own charity bib for the MCM if you wanna take part in that!  Really, you can!!

I thought that this would be the year for me to do so because  I will be turning 30 in July.  My BFF Kimmy will be running the Boilermaker with JW and I.  I cannot wait! :)  I'm so excited for that one.  But I figured, I'm turning 30, I have Saturday mornings free... I can do long runs then and run for about a half hour on my lunch breaks... so, it should be ooookay-ish.  We will see... and I'll be blogging about it along the way!  I really need to get registering for these races though.  It's so costly.. and catching up on 8 months of ... hell?... is going to take awhile.  :)  If only I could have sponsors... or if races could be free.  But, I truly and thoroughly understand the costs of them.  People ask me, "You pay to run in races..." Yeah, I do.  I never take the opportunity to explain why... but many races are raising money for charities, organizations and to bring awareness to a cause.  I guess it's the social worker within me... I dunno!

So, if you ever wanna hit pavement on a Saturday morning, let me know.  I am following a schedule until June and then a different one after that to train for the full marathon.  I'm willing to share that with you if you want to train for the Race the Lake 13.8 with me!!  :)  It's local to my home.  It's a long Cooperstown lake and will be a challenge in itself, but so entirely beautiful.  I am thankful that I heard about it... it's the first annual race and to be able to say "I've raced that one since the first year" will be a great thing to brag about years to come!  So, what do you think?

One Size Fits All.

cal•o•rie 

noun \ˈka-lə-rē, ˈkal-rē\ : a unit of heat used to indicate the amount of energy that foods will produce in the human body 

Now, I know that this blog may upset some people and feel targeted to a few others, but that is not my intention whatsoever. I just want to raise awareness, spark your own curiosity and for you to ask questions. 

So, in weight loss where does the 1200 calorie number come in? Where did that number come from? As women most of us have heard that we need to eat 1200 calories to either lose weight or to remain skinny. I want to send out a public service announcement that this is soooooo noooooooot truuuuuuuuue for everyone. At all. I really don’t even know where to begin, so I am going to speak from my own experience!! Disclaimer: I am not a nutritionist, just a nerdy social worker that has struggled with her own weight loss and was most recently described as “an info-mercial.” 

Therefore, I just want to speak to what I know, but it may not be true for all. 

With that being said, eating 1200 calories is not true for all. Have you done this sort of calorie restriction?! We pretty much ALL have, to only gain back what we lost and probably some more! Do you know WHY this happens?! Because you are STARVING your body. You may not feel like you’re starving, physically speaking.. but you may be experiencing other physical and mental symptoms… 

So, when you starve, you obviously shed fed… your body needs those calories, to produce energy for the body (calories). When you starve yourself of calories, it needs to be taken from some place. 

Therefore, yes.. you will drop weight and probably rather quickly if you restrict calories to this extreme. BUT, as sooooon as you feed your face your body is going to store that food. And it’s going to store that food as fat. Don’t believe me? Google it. 

So, my experience. I was informed by a professional that I needed to be at a 1200 calorie diet. Okay. I didn’t question it, but looking back I want to know where this number comes from. So, being the nerdy social worker, non-nutritionist that I am… I googled it. 

And there’s no real answer; other than it’s the number between keeping our body energized and being in starvation mode. Simple. 

Back to my experience… I stuck to this 1200 calorie diet and did well, weight loss speaking. I was tired, unmotivated, cranky, had headaches, etc. Who doesn’t have those symptoms with two young children?  I lost weight and I lost it quickly. At the same time as starving myself I was doing an abundance of cardio… burning MORE calories. Burning more energy. It caught up with me, quickly.. and I gained it back, not all, but some. Enough. Enough for me to say “enough is enough” and start over. I didn’t restrict my diet though. I did research, surprise! I started lifting and doing less “cardio-only” work; with my weight training was a portion of cardio with it. 

Today, I couldn’t tell you how many calories I eat. But I can tell you that I am officially down 38.3 lbs from when I first started entering my weight into MyFitnessPal (March 2012). I LOVED that app and I swore by it, because it worked at first. I only use it now to track my weight and I will never ever count calories again. 

Since this summer I have collected every fitness magazine there is for women. But I only use them for the workouts (ideas) and recipes (ideas). And in each of them are articles on how to burn calories the fastest; it’s what we are looking for and CONDITIONED to look for. Think about it, how did you originally learn that 1200 was the number? Even myfitnesspal encourages that number. I would much rather you speak to a number of professionals, they all have their opinions, as to the number that’s most appropriate for you. And it’s interesting, because myfitnesspal vs. fitbit, vs. whateverotherappgadget will all tell you differing numbers. Look it up. 

But in my boyfriend’s magazines or in lifting books it doesn’t mention calorie restriction or burning calories. 

Therefore, like with most of the media, I am soooo annoyed with the misinformation fed to us by the media about how to be fit, what weight loss is, what fitness is, what works., etc. All of these quick fad-diets, pills, energy drinks, drops, shakes, etc…. It’s soooo frustrating to me. When people ask me my “secret,” what I do, what I did…. I say, eat a lot. And I do. I eat every 2 hours. Literally. 

Nothing like warming up chicken breast in your office at 10 am in the morning and being asked how much chicken I can possibly eat in one day. I guarantee you it’s more than 1200 calories worth (well, not all chicken, but brown rice and bell peppers with it!).

I just want women to see that we do not need to skip meals, restrict our diets, be miserable…etc. Look into eating unprocessed foods, natural, organic, lean meats..etc… That’s not to say I don’t eat “junk.” Panera has my name all of it. Every morning. With it’s caramel latte. 

We NEED calories. We need energy for our body. Our body is a machine and we need to fuel it. If we don’t, it stops working, it gets ill, we’re more receptive to getting illnesses (physical and mental) when we are starving. 

The best advice I can give to anyone.. and for those that have asked me already know the answer that I give… don’t starve yourself. You want to lose inches, eat more and lift heavy, do cardio.. but don’t starve yourself. 

I’m not saying I eat a HIGH calorie diet, I don’t even know.. what so ever. I portion control. I eat lean meats. I eat lots of veggies… and I also did my research around a different scientific method of weight loss/muscle gain called “If It Fits Your Macros.” For some, it’s too much.. but I took the underlying message and went with it. We need high protein and we still need fat and carbs. I’m not going to go there, unless you want me to.. in that case, hire me as a life coach, lol. Seriously. I won’t mind doing the work for you to show you what you need to be eating, even creating a meal plan for you. I can give you an idea of what I eat on a daily basis and what’s worked for me. 

The bottom line is the fact that our bodies are machines and they need to be fueled appropriately. We wouldn’t put kerosene in our gas running cars, so don’t put shit into your body that doesn’t belong and will only make it spit and sputter….

    and most importantly, don’t restrict it. We wouldn’t expect to get to a destination in our car across the country on a quarter tank of gas…. 

Just a tid bit of info that I found in my research, that makes most sense to ME:

    Find your activity level below (“And Your Number Is...”). Multiply your weight by the number indicated. (You may fall between two categories. If that's the case, adjust the number by adding a point or so.) The result is the number of calories you need to maintain your weight. Let's say you weigh 135 pounds and do light exercise one to three days a week. Multiply 135 by 13.5 to get, approximately, 1,800 calories. If you want to drop some pounds, try cutting out 250 calories a day. In a year, if you make no other changes, you could be 26 pounds lighter. Exercise more and you could lose more, too. 

And Your Number Is… 

You exercise: Almost never 

Multiply your current weight by: 12 

You exercise: Lightly, one to three days a week 

Multiply your current weight by: 13.5 

You exercise: Moderately, three to five days a week 

Multiply your current weight by: 15.5 

You exercise: Vigorously, six to seven days a week 

Multiply your current weight by: 17 

You exercise: Vigorously, daily, and you have a physical job 

Multiply your current weight by: 19 

Our mindsets need to change… really. When you getting ideas to “lose weight” you really should be looking up FAT LOSS…there’s a difference. I keep trying to inform people how bad the scale is.. I hate the scale for defining success. Our scales may not budge because we are gaining muscle pounds, but losing fat pounds. We need to pay mooooooore attention to the non-scale victories… Have any questions about that, refer to my blog post entitled “Numbers.” We let numbers define us too much, to the point of using a number to define our eating habits.

A Little Motivational Interviewing... Spoken Like a Social Worker

“It may be that the freedom to eat whatever you want, whenever you want, is so important to you that you’re willing to put up with the consequences no matter how severe.”

So, I was reading “Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change” in attempt to get me to feel more comfortable in giving a speech in less than two weeks.  And in doing so, I read that quote and it struck my fancy.  This was my reality for a very long time after graduating high school (eeek…12 years ago).  I wanted to change the way in which my weight was increasing, my body was changing, my mood was worsening, self-esteem going down, etc.  However, I guess it was more important to me to be able to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, etc., versus doing anything else.  I tried fad diets for a day or two or three… I went to HealthLinks and spent way too much money to run on a treadmill only to quit a short time later.. I did it all.  And none of it worked.  UNTIIIIIILLLL, something within ME changed. 

I guess I just had enough.

That happens a lot.  I’ve had enough of something and I realize I need a change.  We’ve all been there through m any different examples.  I guess that’s where the saying “enough is enough” comes from and we deliberately create change.

So, how do we do that? 

Come to the Health and Fitness Expo in a week and a half and find out!  ;) (March 8^th, Holiday Inn, Oneonta, NY from 11:00 am to 4:00 pm).  Just kidding, I’ll give you some insight.

The fact of the matter is that change occurs within our self.  You have to want it.  And you have to want it bad.  It could take years, literally, for this to happen…for you to get the drive that you need.   You may have the desire and you may have the motivation… but do you have the confidence?!? 

That’s what was lacking for me.  I didn’t have the support, I didn’t have the confidence, etc.. at least, not the right kind of support.  I did have someone asking me if I wanted to go to Jack’s for a burger and a beer twice a week; not my thing.  I did have someone enabling me to eat out every night; I love going out to eat, but it’s detrimental, I feel, to my well-being.  I did have people that thought my diets were good, yet came home with whatever food or beverage and only enabled my weight gain, mood worsening, dilemma (“this one time won’t hurt.”).   A big dilemma.  Soooo, I created change.  I had to learn about ME and what I wanted.  Sometimes it was intentional.  Other times it felt forced…err, was quite forced.  Yet, I couldn’t dwell on that.  I had to dwell on moving forward, to creating change, to having the drive to get out of whatever situation, mess, dilemma, etc., that I was in.

So, do you have what it takes??  Do you really want it?  How bad?  Are you confident?  How confident?  Do you have the support you may or may not need? 

Wake Me Up

"Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me"

... 

So I've been sleeping for like a week straight, literally.  This sickness has whooped my booty and it feels like I have been in a fog this whole entire time.  But that's okay, because a few things happened that may have felt like a dream but are becoming my reality!

First of all.. I had to go shopping... and this is what happened:

my butt fell down.

Looks like somebody needs to be doing some heavy duty (dooty?) squatting with some heavy duty metal!  Therefore, I have challenged Jeff and the girls to take on a "Grow a Bigger Booty Challenge" with me.  Who the heck eck would have ever thought that I would need to challenge myself to grow a butt, I mean really.  From J-Lo in high school to my mama ain't got no back in my almost 30s.  I used to picked on my mom saying, "I'd rather have a fat butt, than no butt."  I'm sorry mom.  This is my karma.  Karma takes awhile apparently.  Or gravity happened.  Whichever. 

But speaking of karma.  

I've had some good karma lately.  Remember how I said I was interviewing for a few jobs?  Yeah, well I have been offered all of them... to only turn them all down.  Then, these nice "cop" type people, (yeah, they exist ;)) put the word out for me for this position that would fit me entirely.  Well, I start next week as the Mental Health Therapist for Violence Intervention.  It's the perfect job for me; treating victims of crimes and it's the complete opposite from what I am used to.  I will enjoy being the go-to person when it comes to having to respond to crises and crimes that arise in the middle of the night or having to go to the hospital because someone was victimized (I say that now...)... So yeah, all of this time has finally paid off..  

And I know hindsight is 20/20 (especially Jeff's... if you could only bottle that stuff up;))... and I'm sure ALL of this "stuff" was a blessing in disguise.. to be able to be home with the boys and girls, to be able to attend basketball games and make sure that everything was done on time.. to be present during the adjustment phases of becoming a completely blended family.  If I was working 40 hours a week, it would have been difficult and chaotic and who knows what else... who really knows.  But it's over.  OVER.  I just wish I had an end date in sight when it all happened.  But that's how life works.  I just wish it was.. "Wake Me Up When It's All Over."  But that's not life.

Life is a series of moments; good ones, bad ones, happy ones, sad ones, anxious ones, helpless ones, hopeless ones, love-filled/hate-filled, wishing for the next best thing moments... It's hard not to dwell on whatever it is you are feeling.  But the reality is to simply be.  No need for worry, it doesn't really change anything except your mood and that will bring you down.  I knew not to worry and it was easier said than done at times, because of the moments and them catching up to me from time to time.  But holding it together, whatever that means, was key... or at least trying to.  In the beginning, that was rough... just like with any negative change, especially change that was out of your complete control and entirely blindsiding.  Nothing like waking up and having your identity completely taken away from you and having to go sit in your car on Market Street and cry to your boyfriend because "I told you she was like that."  Well, I didn't ask for it.  But, in the end... I don't ask for much.  Just a happy life.  And THAT, my friends, I can control.

"So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost"

So maybe I was lost.  Or we all were... 

And this was a higher beings way of taking it out on me to ground all of us.

To let us know what life truly is... 

what the definition of family means...

OWL Help You, while you've helped me

I know it's been a long time coming since I last hit that "publish" button on this page. 

In the mean time I have been developing my own company entitled "O.W.L. Help You: Opportunity, Wellness, Life."  Check it out at www.owlhelpyou.org and on facebook at www.facebook.com/owlhelpyou (make sure you like it!).  Please provide constructive criticism as you see fit... I am totally new to this webpage development, as well as creating my own little "side hustle."

So what is it that I do with this?  I provide Life Coaching, Wellness Coaching and pretty much therapy while I'm at it... since I AM a clinical social worker and all.  I just do not accept private insurances for the time being, but that will change eventually.  Whatever the issue, I should be able to help.  However, if a higher level of care is deemed appropriate I WILL make that referral.  :)  Thank you all for your support and encouragement thus far.  I hope to be able to coach people with running, all while training myself.  So many times people complain or use the excuse that they do not want to go to the gym alone or they know no one else, etc... well I'll be able to take that excuse away and go with them.  I'm pretty excited about that.  :)  It will keep me on track and what's more encouraging than providing encouragement for someone else along the way?!

But since I last hit publish, what else have I been doing?  Well, interviewing for various positions trying to find the best fit while awaiting credentialing for private practice (ugh, tedious).  Within the past couple of weeks I have received a large influx of opportunities, so we will see where that brings me.  It's funny though because as I interview and look at job opportunities my second priority is finding a local gym, hehe.

I went running once... (I think, since hitting the last publish button).  It was a nice, lonely run in the frigid cold... but so awesome.  Okay, maybe I've gone twice.  I also went to TRX three times, but only went in twice because one of the times I forgot my sneaks... yeah, I KNOW.  ONLY ME. 

However, in going to an interview last week I had to obviously dress up and avoid my workout/lounge clothes... ha, that was a joke.  I put on my "skinnier" dress pants from this summer to find that I am already swimming in them.  A single digit dress pant size and it's big on me.  Looks like I will have get a whole new wardrobe when I do begin to attend the professional atmosphere once again. 

See:

....
and then my mom came up from North Carolina.  Don't worry.  I went to TRX today at Fit Coalition for the first time. I already popped an Aleve.  :-p  But I am most certainly going to be sore tomorrow!  Or this evening.

I think it's fascinating how every trainer is so different.  It's definitely all about finding one that will work for you.  That goes with any relationship in life.  You need to find a husband that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a therapist that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a boyfriend that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a Life Coach that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a doctor that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need friends that work for you, with you, not against you.  I think you get the point.

The really awesome thing about that?.... yeah, you get to CHOOSE those people.  I know that many grapple with the fact that everything in our life is a choice, everything.. from how we think, to how we feel, to what we do next.

YOU have the power.  Sometimes we feel as if we don't.  But we do.  It's all about taking that first step...

I have learned in my short 29.5 years that we get to choose.  Even when things are difficult, we still get to choose... just as we get to choose when things are at their all time high.  Just move forward, tip toe if you must!    (if you want to continue seeing these daily motivators, like facebook.com/owlhelpyou)

My good buddy is now blogging about his own change in his life, as well as how to change, when to change, why we should change or why we shouldn't.  If you want to read about that, check out: http://thechadanthony.blogspot.com/

Some people or maybe all people will not agree with your change or your choice.  I have learned that in a very difficult choice that I made in my past.  You win some, you lose some... but in the end, you are right where you need to be at that moment.  Even in the movie "Planes", Dusty arrives in India and asks something similar to the question, "am I where I am supposed to be?"  That is the question to life that we must answer.  And only YOU have the CHOICE to CHANGE the outcome.

Two thousand and fourteen.

So... my "life" recently has not been all that exciting.  It's been a month since I last updated this blog.  Which also means it has been a month since I last worked out.  I continued doing the tea detox and ate as mindfully as I could without getting my emotions involved.  I am down to 141 and maintaining that weight... which I think is around the most healthiest weight for me.  I haven't really taken any pictures of myself recently... just head shots... and God knows... we ALL love selfies:

Begin rant:
  I am SO sick of reading about people hating "selfies" and that people that take them are just "oh so self centered."  Do what I do... unfollow them.  It's not like a post a gazillion of them a day.  And if I did... so what... I would just scan over all of them like anything else that doesn't hold my interest.  You wanna know what else has deterred me from working out?... reading a comment that showed up on my Facebook wall implying that no ones workout is as HARD or as DIFFICULT as a specific workout that they have experienced and that those working on their fitness have no reason to complain.  YA KNOW WHAT... that REALLY got to me.  I haven't worked out since because why should I?  Apparently my workouts are not that hard or difficult and I shouldn't say anything about them.  I SHOULD use that as fuel to burn my ass off.  But it just really irritates me that there are people that are constantly AND consistently putting down others... at the sake of what?!  Themselves, really.  I shouldn't let it get to me, but I know it's personal.  However, I digress.  My workouts are HARD and they are DIFFICULT.  If they weren't, I would still be doing them.  But they ARE HARD and challenging and difficult... I have lost interest because people are assholes and have to constantly demean others just to get their HEAD a little bigger. 
End rant.

Therefore, I am going to start over and get back on track.  Because, I am human.  I do fall off the wagon.  I do let my emotions get the best of me... and quite frankly, December was awful.  I have started pushing people away and am just getting so sick of rejection (for many, many reasons).  I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't make it not real to me.

I am hoping for a more positive 2014.  I have started making changes and am only in contact with those that I find most supportive of me. 

In the mean time I have been gathering tools and resources so that I can be the most successful me when I do get back at it.  I know you're probably thinking to yourself.. well what are you waiting for?

Honestly?

For this negative feeling to subside.  I know I have mentioned before that being a social worker defines who I am.. and without that I feel like I am nothing.  This credentialing thing is taking far too long and I have started to seek out other avenues for obtaining a paycheck.  I am so behind on everything it's not even funny, which has obviously taken a toll on "doing me."  How the hell can I concentrate on anything when I don't know how I am going to survive; keep a roof over my head, food on the table, car on the road, etc.  I have cut everything back to only the necessities and with Christmas last month, it just took it's toll.  I'm hoping the office is ready for me this month because I am ready to get back it.  In the mean time, I AM looking elsewhere and elsewhere just isn't cutting it much lately.  All while trying to be mindful and live in the moment... which I have gotten VERY good at recently, because there's no point in worrying about paying for something when I ain't got the funds or a money tree.  I think it's frozen.  And it's not from a lack of trying. 

I've thought about going back to school and starting over, but that doesn't put food on the table or pay the mortgage, I'll just accumulate more debt.  Therefore, I have started applying for jobs that "interest" me, even if I don't qualify for them... such as a fitness coach.  I'm a quick learner, smart and a goal setter.  Tell me what to do and I'll go above and beyond what you expect.  I have a significant track record for that.  :) 

I want to truly thank those that have reached out and know how much I've lost motivation, my true friends for sending me class passes to my favorite workouts (which I have yet to attend :(), sending me an e-book on meditation and running, giving me shoutouts for being their inspiration, for texting me on the "how to's" and asking for my advice, etc.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I promise you that I will show you who's boss in 2014, once I find my motivation that I seemed to have left behind in two thousand and thirteen.

<3

 ooops.. a "selfie".  Piss off...

Just over here being human and all

So, I had McDonald's last night.  GROSS.  All out of pure convenience.  Time is short with both girls playing basketball, on two different teams in schools forever away.  I know, I know.  If only I had a 6-pack bag and could carry all of my goodies with me, so we would not have to resort to eating crap.  *siiigh.*

I wish that were the real excuse.  The underlying issue and the biggest reality is STRESS.  I.  Am. So.  Stressed.  Out.  It's not even funny.  I thought for sure I would be back to work by now.  And by work, I mean at my job where I facilitate mental health therapy, I'm quite busy working at home too, but that's besides the point.  I have been out of work going on 6 months now.  That's half a year...(not by my choice WHATSOEVER.  I should have tallied how many resumes I've sent out and applications that I have redundantly completed (close to 100, I'm sure)).  With no income but child support.  I don't consider that income anyway.  If it weren't for child support and me depleting my savings and maxing out my credit cards and with the help of some, I don't know where I would be at.  But things are toooouuuugh around here.  Jeff's supporting all 5.5 of us, I say .5 because L is only here 50% of the time physically.  And because things are tough, my emotions are so high... plus, I hate the holidays, which doesn't help.  I hate the holidays because it's quite lonely when your parents are 13 hours away.  I don't know why I make it about them.  I guess it's because I'm a kid at heart still.. and it's just weird to be away from them.  Yeah, I'm 29, so what (I can't imagine, at all, what the girls must be experiencing emotionally).

But anyways, because emotions are high, stress is at it's breaking point, my mind is in the negative.. well not really, I still tell myself positive things, but it's hard when your reality isn't all that positive.  Therefore, I haven't been as strong at my workouts or WANTING to workout.  But, what has helped is being able to get to the gym.  I have found a new love for TRX (Total Body?) suspension training.  It's amaze-balls and I could not physically move for two days after... therefore, I didn't workout for two days, which only made my workout-thoughts worse. Plus, Jillian Michael's is sooo annoying to me at times.  UGH.  If only I had access to a gym, all of the time, with childcare, that didn't cost money.. my life would be mostly complete.  Instead, I have to switch it up every now and then... I can't wait for my R.I.P.P.E.D. DVD to come in.  Google it.  I loooved the classes with Stacy Mitchell, but see the sentence before; money, childcare..yeah.

I am so thankful for my partner-in-crime who is helping us get through this rough patch.  Although, he's starting to feel the impacts of it, too.. financially.  Plus, all of the other drastic changes to our lives and I don't say drastic negatively.  J gained physical custody of the girls in June, their mother moved to S.C. and they obviously miss her and are upset with the situation.  Therefore, stress has occurred there.

We are doing the best that we can, with the resources that we have.  But despite the fact that I appear strong and driven, I still struggle.  I cry a lot.  I get upset.  I get emotional.  I don't understand people and why they do things.  I don't get the way of this world very often anymore... but what I do know is that I care about people, as a whole, I want to protect the innocence of my children, of any child, and I want what's best for every person.  There's so much negativity out there, it's hard to not bring it into the house, especially when stress is occurring or outsiders bring it in.  But we (J and I) try very hard not to.  We continue to talk about the positives of the day; what's going well, what did you learn, what can you do differently, etc.  I come from a strengths-based perception, mostly learned in grad school, but I also feel that it's truly innate within me. 

I just want you all to know that I am completely human.  I struggle like all of you.  I talk about it.  I read about it.  I cry about it and I obviously write about it. 

My hope for 2014 is to get my goals in check, to know what I am working towards.  I have a few weeks to do that.. and I hope to get the kids on board, too.  There's nothing more fulfilling than crossing off things that you have completed.  :)  I am hoping, with all of my fingers and toes crossed, that I will be working.  I am credentialed with a number of insurance companies, it's mostly about the office space at this point.  Technicalities... hurting my bank account, credit and mental well being. 

But I'll be okay.  We will all be okay.  Really, we will.  Just keep in mind that while you're struggling, so is someone else.  It doesn't matter the "depth" of the reality and what the struggle is, just know that we are all human and we do feel pain, as much as we want to think we are numb to it... it's there.  Just never undermine anyone else's struggle.. or compare yours to theirs. 

So in the mean time, I'll keep pushing through my workouts and making sure I do not go more than 2 days without a workout (that's been a goal for the past 6 weeks), I'll be more mindful of what goes into my body (oh my god, I had three beers on Thanksgiving, never again... light weight and holy hell do I feel gross when I do drink), and I'll continue to do my VERY best for my children, all 4 of them.  I'll continue to create positive, ever-lasting, weird, crazy memories with them.  I'll make sure the Elf on the Shelf does his antics, despite me not wanting to get out of bed after I just got comfy and remembered that the Elf is still perched on his shelf... I'll read 8 gazillion stories 500 million times because Dusty the Cropduster needs to be read, I'll make sure "mommy-do it" because "I need want you" and I'll kiss those fingers and toes even though you are 5 years old, I'll let you wear your cape to a basketball game...

 and oh, you want to have a different cup than the one I just poured your chocolate milk into?!... all while trying to grumble less and doing some mindful breathing, because you are only little for so much longer.  I'll make sure you are well dressed with what you think is the utmost fashion, despite the teenaged angst and mood swings and talking back, and the fact that those jeans realllly don't fit.  I'll ensure that you are at your practices and have the tools needed to succeed.  I will support you, emotionally, mentally and physically; going to every activity that I can.  I will annoy you and ask you if your homework is done 18 thousand times.  I'll ask if you're sleeping alright or if you need anything... because that's how it should be.  I will get annoyed and pissed off when you talk about disrespecting teachers, classmates and peers on the bus. And I'll bite your head off if I experience anyone bullying their sibling. I will always hope that you never have to experience a loss due to suicide.

I will always be a step ahead of you, because well.. been there and thought I was really smart and manipulative, too. 

I will pick you up when you fall and I'll always have your back.  All of you. 

All with a smile on my face and hiding the tears from my eyes.