#Numbers#

Numbers.  Why must they define our success or progress or where we are at?

I'm having a very tough time in not getting on the scale.  I know how unhealthy it was for me, mentally and physically, to constantly weigh myself (daily and sometimes multiple times in a day).  I asked Jeff's daughters to hide the scale on me.  Jeff said, "weird, right?" to them.  Yeah, it's weird.  I agree.  But what's even more weird are the constantly annoying thoughts in my head in almost wanting to search for the scale.  I promised myself I would not weigh myself until December.  It's only the 8th of November.  It's only been a week and two days since the last time I weighed myself.  I lived a whole 2.5 years without a scale; sneaking a weigh-in at work and at the gym was the only the other place where I had access to a scale.  And in that 2.5 years is when I was at my worst..err, heaviest.  Maybe it's a cognitive, irrational belief in that I need to weigh myself to know where I am at.  Even though I feel good.  For the most part.

Probably the same goes with my checking and savings account.  Pssh, don't measure my success there.  There's nothing there!! However, I constantly feel the need to check it.  Daily.  Even though I am not putting anything there... maybe I have another irrational belief that perhaps someone else may put something there.  Ha! :)

Anyways, I am going to continue to hold myself accountable and not weigh myself.. just to see what the scale shows in 3 weeks.  After that, I want to only weigh myself weekly.  That's what I did when I first started this journey and then it became obsessive for some reason.  I guess because I lost weight so quickly, it was almost an excitement for me to see the numbers lessen (while my checkbook has the opposite effect..weird).  Maybe I'm reaching a "plateau" of sorts. 

But in that the numbers are going down on the scale why are my jean sizes not going down?  I have been wearing my "fat jeans" from college.  I have almost always been able to "fit" into them (at times not so prettily).  They seem to fit differently now; definitely tight in the quads and way, way loose in the waist.  Maybe it's because I haven't really gone shopping and automatically grab the size 12s because that's what I am used to... and they "fit."  Ish.  Maybe it's because I'm afraid to look in the mirror to see what it really looks like on me.  It's so sad how destructive our brain can be.  We need to change that.  I HAVE tried on a pair of hand-me-down 7s..  I was able to get them on and button them.  But I still won't wear them.  WHY?!!!

I was wearing leggings the other day.  Ya know, those reallllly tight tight, leave nothing to the imagination pants, that every girl wears with their boots and a cute sweater or their boyfriend's buttondown?.. yeah.. I looked in the mirror.  A few of them.  Then I immediately texted my boyfriend and said, "Why haven't you told me how ridiculous these pants look on me?!"  They aren't tight.  They are loose and bunchy and I look like a frumpy mom.  I DON'T WANNA BE THE FRUMPY MOM.  Come on now.  He didn't respond.  I brought it up at dinner.  He said because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  I think it's because he doesn't want me lookin' too good ;) haha.  (ILY).

I could go on and on about numbers and how they define us, but I think many other people have written about that.  Instead, I'll continue with my purpose of this blog: to motivate myself and others.  And in that I have taught myself and y'all that the key to success is positive self talk.  If we tell ourselves that we must be a certain weight (number), pant size (number), make a certain salary (#) or have a really big house with lots of square footage (number)... we are only hurting ourselves and not living.  Really, you aren't living if you have to define everything with a number and are constantly working towards that number.  Living is right now.  NOW.  We have already lived in the past and we can't go back there.  We can't transport into the future, we aren't there yet either.  So live nOw.  In the moment.  There is no number on that.  There is no number on the feel good feel after a workout.  There is no number on the satisfaction of cooking and eating a really tasty, yummy, good for you, filling meal.  There is no number on the fun you have when you go down the slide with your 2 year old because you can fit comfortably in the slide and are not winded from running around.... because there's always "one more time, mommy!" <3