Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Just over here being human and all

So, I had McDonald's last night.  GROSS.  All out of pure convenience.  Time is short with both girls playing basketball, on two different teams in schools forever away.  I know, I know.  If only I had a 6-pack bag and could carry all of my goodies with me, so we would not have to resort to eating crap.  *siiigh.*

I wish that were the real excuse.  The underlying issue and the biggest reality is STRESS.  I.  Am. So.  Stressed.  Out.  It's not even funny.  I thought for sure I would be back to work by now.  And by work, I mean at my job where I facilitate mental health therapy, I'm quite busy working at home too, but that's besides the point.  I have been out of work going on 6 months now.  That's half a year...(not by my choice WHATSOEVER.  I should have tallied how many resumes I've sent out and applications that I have redundantly completed (close to 100, I'm sure)).  With no income but child support.  I don't consider that income anyway.  If it weren't for child support and me depleting my savings and maxing out my credit cards and with the help of some, I don't know where I would be at.  But things are toooouuuugh around here.  Jeff's supporting all 5.5 of us, I say .5 because L is only here 50% of the time physically.  And because things are tough, my emotions are so high... plus, I hate the holidays, which doesn't help.  I hate the holidays because it's quite lonely when your parents are 13 hours away.  I don't know why I make it about them.  I guess it's because I'm a kid at heart still.. and it's just weird to be away from them.  Yeah, I'm 29, so what (I can't imagine, at all, what the girls must be experiencing emotionally).

But anyways, because emotions are high, stress is at it's breaking point, my mind is in the negative.. well not really, I still tell myself positive things, but it's hard when your reality isn't all that positive.  Therefore, I haven't been as strong at my workouts or WANTING to workout.  But, what has helped is being able to get to the gym.  I have found a new love for TRX (Total Body?) suspension training.  It's amaze-balls and I could not physically move for two days after... therefore, I didn't workout for two days, which only made my workout-thoughts worse. Plus, Jillian Michael's is sooo annoying to me at times.  UGH.  If only I had access to a gym, all of the time, with childcare, that didn't cost money.. my life would be mostly complete.  Instead, I have to switch it up every now and then... I can't wait for my R.I.P.P.E.D. DVD to come in.  Google it.  I loooved the classes with Stacy Mitchell, but see the sentence before; money, childcare..yeah.

I am so thankful for my partner-in-crime who is helping us get through this rough patch.  Although, he's starting to feel the impacts of it, too.. financially.  Plus, all of the other drastic changes to our lives and I don't say drastic negatively.  J gained physical custody of the girls in June, their mother moved to S.C. and they obviously miss her and are upset with the situation.  Therefore, stress has occurred there.

We are doing the best that we can, with the resources that we have.  But despite the fact that I appear strong and driven, I still struggle.  I cry a lot.  I get upset.  I get emotional.  I don't understand people and why they do things.  I don't get the way of this world very often anymore... but what I do know is that I care about people, as a whole, I want to protect the innocence of my children, of any child, and I want what's best for every person.  There's so much negativity out there, it's hard to not bring it into the house, especially when stress is occurring or outsiders bring it in.  But we (J and I) try very hard not to.  We continue to talk about the positives of the day; what's going well, what did you learn, what can you do differently, etc.  I come from a strengths-based perception, mostly learned in grad school, but I also feel that it's truly innate within me. 

I just want you all to know that I am completely human.  I struggle like all of you.  I talk about it.  I read about it.  I cry about it and I obviously write about it. 

My hope for 2014 is to get my goals in check, to know what I am working towards.  I have a few weeks to do that.. and I hope to get the kids on board, too.  There's nothing more fulfilling than crossing off things that you have completed.  :)  I am hoping, with all of my fingers and toes crossed, that I will be working.  I am credentialed with a number of insurance companies, it's mostly about the office space at this point.  Technicalities... hurting my bank account, credit and mental well being. 

But I'll be okay.  We will all be okay.  Really, we will.  Just keep in mind that while you're struggling, so is someone else.  It doesn't matter the "depth" of the reality and what the struggle is, just know that we are all human and we do feel pain, as much as we want to think we are numb to it... it's there.  Just never undermine anyone else's struggle.. or compare yours to theirs. 

So in the mean time, I'll keep pushing through my workouts and making sure I do not go more than 2 days without a workout (that's been a goal for the past 6 weeks), I'll be more mindful of what goes into my body (oh my god, I had three beers on Thanksgiving, never again... light weight and holy hell do I feel gross when I do drink), and I'll continue to do my VERY best for my children, all 4 of them.  I'll continue to create positive, ever-lasting, weird, crazy memories with them.  I'll make sure the Elf on the Shelf does his antics, despite me not wanting to get out of bed after I just got comfy and remembered that the Elf is still perched on his shelf... I'll read 8 gazillion stories 500 million times because Dusty the Cropduster needs to be read, I'll make sure "mommy-do it" because "I need want you" and I'll kiss those fingers and toes even though you are 5 years old, I'll let you wear your cape to a basketball game...

 and oh, you want to have a different cup than the one I just poured your chocolate milk into?!... all while trying to grumble less and doing some mindful breathing, because you are only little for so much longer.  I'll make sure you are well dressed with what you think is the utmost fashion, despite the teenaged angst and mood swings and talking back, and the fact that those jeans realllly don't fit.  I'll ensure that you are at your practices and have the tools needed to succeed.  I will support you, emotionally, mentally and physically; going to every activity that I can.  I will annoy you and ask you if your homework is done 18 thousand times.  I'll ask if you're sleeping alright or if you need anything... because that's how it should be.  I will get annoyed and pissed off when you talk about disrespecting teachers, classmates and peers on the bus. And I'll bite your head off if I experience anyone bullying their sibling. I will always hope that you never have to experience a loss due to suicide.

I will always be a step ahead of you, because well.. been there and thought I was really smart and manipulative, too. 

I will pick you up when you fall and I'll always have your back.  All of you. 

All with a smile on my face and hiding the tears from my eyes.