Thursday, May 1, 2014

Passive-aggressive? Why the hostility?

So it’s been a few weeks since my last blog.  Believe me, I have had plenty to write about ...but each time I reflected on it I realized how passive-aggressive it really was… and is THAT healthy?!  Not so much.  So, I let it go, communicated about it with the other party and carried on.  I have come to realize that in order to grow or feel content with my life, that is what I need to do.  If I have a problem, I have to talk about it.  The other party may not even be privy to the fact that there IS a problem!!
But in all of that self-reflection and processing I have realized that there is a lot of sadness in our society; the belittling of others, the poor boundaries between child/adults, the notion that everyone is entitled to whatever they please… etc.  I could go on and on and it may turn into passive aggressiveness.  So, I won’t do it or at least I’ll try not to do it.  **Being mindful over here**
However, I will relay what I do to cope with all of that… because I COULD eat all my emotions.  I could destroy my self esteem and feel that I should not be able to walk around my own house in a sports bra, but I won’t do that.  I will continue to flaunt my progress.  I will continue to show the teenage girls in my house that it doesn’t matter if you have stripes on your belly, a big nose, freckles, etc… you embrace it.  I don’t care if you want to throw up or not… well, I do CARE.  I do find it hurtful.. and I hate that women/girls have this message about ourselves that we need to hide who and what we are. At the convenience of what?!  Protecting someone else from having a negative opinion about us??  Women are beautiful.  Men are beautiful.  We are all human.  I really don’t understand the meanness, really I don’t.  I get, clinically speaking, where it stems from.. but I won’t go there.  I am going to be “social worker not working” on that one for the time being.
Anyways, lesson learned.  You having a negative opinion about me… is YOUR problem, not mine.  I am who I am and I fought to get here.  And not to be cocky or anything, because I am extremely insecure, but I am starting to kind of like myself.  There, I said it.. I kinda like me.  And if you don’t like me, while I do find it hurtful because you probably don’t really KNOW me… it’s really not my problem.  :)
So in my coping and getting to like myself I have realized that my competition is only in my mirror.  I AM MY OWN COMPETITION.  That’s it.  While I would love to look like Ashley Horner (Google her… ), I am not ever going to BE her.  I have many similar qualities and aspirations, but at the end of the day I am me and she is who she is.  Instead, I mimic her program and strength training...
After tears are shed and confrontation to be had, I mean communicating, of course. .. I lift my chin, lace up my sneaks and hit pavement.  I do that a lot.  I run a lot faster and harder then, too.  So when you see me posting a map with an 8:40 pace, consider me pissed.  ;) 
But in doing all of that (lacing up my sneaks and being pissed) I have lost a tremendous amount of weight.. not purposeful by any means… it is what it is when doing cardio.  Therefore, I have seen (yes, I took progress pics again last night.. stay tuned) that I have lost muscle mass and I need to gain that weight back, just making sure it’s muscular.
Therefore, I decided to pick up my strength training habits and took on the Recreating You program by  Ashley Horner (squats after squats after squats after lunges after.. yeah my legs hurt today).  We ALL struggle with something when it comes to fitness.  Many of you tell me that I am soooo skinny, I can’t wait to be that skinny.. While I take pride in that,  please know that I also struggle.  I am now going to struggle with trying to put muscle on.  It’s all a battle.  It’s especially going to be hard while marathon training.  So I guess it’s back to eating chicken at 10:00 am! 
But I am aware.. and I started.  Day one took three hours because of parenting!  LOL  Yeah, I started my workout at just after 6 and didn’t end until 9:20 or so.. and it really wasn’t that long, but there were constant interruptions and life goes on.  I get that!  But I don’t make excuses.  And if you hear me making on or see me posting something, call me out on it please.  PLEASE.  J

ORG Represent!!
But all in all, the marathon training is going fairly well.  I really don’t start my actual training until June.  In the mean time I am training for a half (Race the Lake in Cooperstown)… and doing 5ks and what not in between.  Trying to increase my time and not run so heavy.  I even WALK heavy.  I really need to correct that…  I thank you ALL for your support and donations.  I secured a bib in just one short week because of you.  I still need to pay for it, but I will get there eventually!!!  But keep the donations coming and support the cause.  It’s a good one:

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