OWL Help You, while you've helped me

I know it's been a long time coming since I last hit that "publish" button on this page. 

In the mean time I have been developing my own company entitled "O.W.L. Help You: Opportunity, Wellness, Life."  Check it out at www.owlhelpyou.org and on facebook at www.facebook.com/owlhelpyou (make sure you like it!).  Please provide constructive criticism as you see fit... I am totally new to this webpage development, as well as creating my own little "side hustle."

So what is it that I do with this?  I provide Life Coaching, Wellness Coaching and pretty much therapy while I'm at it... since I AM a clinical social worker and all.  I just do not accept private insurances for the time being, but that will change eventually.  Whatever the issue, I should be able to help.  However, if a higher level of care is deemed appropriate I WILL make that referral.  :)  Thank you all for your support and encouragement thus far.  I hope to be able to coach people with running, all while training myself.  So many times people complain or use the excuse that they do not want to go to the gym alone or they know no one else, etc... well I'll be able to take that excuse away and go with them.  I'm pretty excited about that.  :)  It will keep me on track and what's more encouraging than providing encouragement for someone else along the way?!

But since I last hit publish, what else have I been doing?  Well, interviewing for various positions trying to find the best fit while awaiting credentialing for private practice (ugh, tedious).  Within the past couple of weeks I have received a large influx of opportunities, so we will see where that brings me.  It's funny though because as I interview and look at job opportunities my second priority is finding a local gym, hehe.

I went running once... (I think, since hitting the last publish button).  It was a nice, lonely run in the frigid cold... but so awesome.  Okay, maybe I've gone twice.  I also went to TRX three times, but only went in twice because one of the times I forgot my sneaks... yeah, I KNOW.  ONLY ME. 

However, in going to an interview last week I had to obviously dress up and avoid my workout/lounge clothes... ha, that was a joke.  I put on my "skinnier" dress pants from this summer to find that I am already swimming in them.  A single digit dress pant size and it's big on me.  Looks like I will have get a whole new wardrobe when I do begin to attend the professional atmosphere once again. 

See:

....
and then my mom came up from North Carolina.  Don't worry.  I went to TRX today at Fit Coalition for the first time. I already popped an Aleve.  :-p  But I am most certainly going to be sore tomorrow!  Or this evening.

I think it's fascinating how every trainer is so different.  It's definitely all about finding one that will work for you.  That goes with any relationship in life.  You need to find a husband that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a therapist that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a boyfriend that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a Life Coach that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need a doctor that works for you, with you, not against you.  You need friends that work for you, with you, not against you.  I think you get the point.

The really awesome thing about that?.... yeah, you get to CHOOSE those people.  I know that many grapple with the fact that everything in our life is a choice, everything.. from how we think, to how we feel, to what we do next.

YOU have the power.  Sometimes we feel as if we don't.  But we do.  It's all about taking that first step...

I have learned in my short 29.5 years that we get to choose.  Even when things are difficult, we still get to choose... just as we get to choose when things are at their all time high.  Just move forward, tip toe if you must!    (if you want to continue seeing these daily motivators, like facebook.com/owlhelpyou)

My good buddy is now blogging about his own change in his life, as well as how to change, when to change, why we should change or why we shouldn't.  If you want to read about that, check out: http://thechadanthony.blogspot.com/

Some people or maybe all people will not agree with your change or your choice.  I have learned that in a very difficult choice that I made in my past.  You win some, you lose some... but in the end, you are right where you need to be at that moment.  Even in the movie "Planes", Dusty arrives in India and asks something similar to the question, "am I where I am supposed to be?"  That is the question to life that we must answer.  And only YOU have the CHOICE to CHANGE the outcome.

Two thousand and fourteen.

So... my "life" recently has not been all that exciting.  It's been a month since I last updated this blog.  Which also means it has been a month since I last worked out.  I continued doing the tea detox and ate as mindfully as I could without getting my emotions involved.  I am down to 141 and maintaining that weight... which I think is around the most healthiest weight for me.  I haven't really taken any pictures of myself recently... just head shots... and God knows... we ALL love selfies:

Begin rant:
  I am SO sick of reading about people hating "selfies" and that people that take them are just "oh so self centered."  Do what I do... unfollow them.  It's not like a post a gazillion of them a day.  And if I did... so what... I would just scan over all of them like anything else that doesn't hold my interest.  You wanna know what else has deterred me from working out?... reading a comment that showed up on my Facebook wall implying that no ones workout is as HARD or as DIFFICULT as a specific workout that they have experienced and that those working on their fitness have no reason to complain.  YA KNOW WHAT... that REALLY got to me.  I haven't worked out since because why should I?  Apparently my workouts are not that hard or difficult and I shouldn't say anything about them.  I SHOULD use that as fuel to burn my ass off.  But it just really irritates me that there are people that are constantly AND consistently putting down others... at the sake of what?!  Themselves, really.  I shouldn't let it get to me, but I know it's personal.  However, I digress.  My workouts are HARD and they are DIFFICULT.  If they weren't, I would still be doing them.  But they ARE HARD and challenging and difficult... I have lost interest because people are assholes and have to constantly demean others just to get their HEAD a little bigger. 
End rant.

Therefore, I am going to start over and get back on track.  Because, I am human.  I do fall off the wagon.  I do let my emotions get the best of me... and quite frankly, December was awful.  I have started pushing people away and am just getting so sick of rejection (for many, many reasons).  I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't make it not real to me.

I am hoping for a more positive 2014.  I have started making changes and am only in contact with those that I find most supportive of me. 

In the mean time I have been gathering tools and resources so that I can be the most successful me when I do get back at it.  I know you're probably thinking to yourself.. well what are you waiting for?

Honestly?

For this negative feeling to subside.  I know I have mentioned before that being a social worker defines who I am.. and without that I feel like I am nothing.  This credentialing thing is taking far too long and I have started to seek out other avenues for obtaining a paycheck.  I am so behind on everything it's not even funny, which has obviously taken a toll on "doing me."  How the hell can I concentrate on anything when I don't know how I am going to survive; keep a roof over my head, food on the table, car on the road, etc.  I have cut everything back to only the necessities and with Christmas last month, it just took it's toll.  I'm hoping the office is ready for me this month because I am ready to get back it.  In the mean time, I AM looking elsewhere and elsewhere just isn't cutting it much lately.  All while trying to be mindful and live in the moment... which I have gotten VERY good at recently, because there's no point in worrying about paying for something when I ain't got the funds or a money tree.  I think it's frozen.  And it's not from a lack of trying. 

I've thought about going back to school and starting over, but that doesn't put food on the table or pay the mortgage, I'll just accumulate more debt.  Therefore, I have started applying for jobs that "interest" me, even if I don't qualify for them... such as a fitness coach.  I'm a quick learner, smart and a goal setter.  Tell me what to do and I'll go above and beyond what you expect.  I have a significant track record for that.  :) 

I want to truly thank those that have reached out and know how much I've lost motivation, my true friends for sending me class passes to my favorite workouts (which I have yet to attend :(), sending me an e-book on meditation and running, giving me shoutouts for being their inspiration, for texting me on the "how to's" and asking for my advice, etc.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I promise you that I will show you who's boss in 2014, once I find my motivation that I seemed to have left behind in two thousand and thirteen.

<3

 ooops.. a "selfie".  Piss off...

Just over here being human and all

So, I had McDonald's last night.  GROSS.  All out of pure convenience.  Time is short with both girls playing basketball, on two different teams in schools forever away.  I know, I know.  If only I had a 6-pack bag and could carry all of my goodies with me, so we would not have to resort to eating crap.  *siiigh.*

I wish that were the real excuse.  The underlying issue and the biggest reality is STRESS.  I.  Am. So.  Stressed.  Out.  It's not even funny.  I thought for sure I would be back to work by now.  And by work, I mean at my job where I facilitate mental health therapy, I'm quite busy working at home too, but that's besides the point.  I have been out of work going on 6 months now.  That's half a year...(not by my choice WHATSOEVER.  I should have tallied how many resumes I've sent out and applications that I have redundantly completed (close to 100, I'm sure)).  With no income but child support.  I don't consider that income anyway.  If it weren't for child support and me depleting my savings and maxing out my credit cards and with the help of some, I don't know where I would be at.  But things are toooouuuugh around here.  Jeff's supporting all 5.5 of us, I say .5 because L is only here 50% of the time physically.  And because things are tough, my emotions are so high... plus, I hate the holidays, which doesn't help.  I hate the holidays because it's quite lonely when your parents are 13 hours away.  I don't know why I make it about them.  I guess it's because I'm a kid at heart still.. and it's just weird to be away from them.  Yeah, I'm 29, so what (I can't imagine, at all, what the girls must be experiencing emotionally).

But anyways, because emotions are high, stress is at it's breaking point, my mind is in the negative.. well not really, I still tell myself positive things, but it's hard when your reality isn't all that positive.  Therefore, I haven't been as strong at my workouts or WANTING to workout.  But, what has helped is being able to get to the gym.  I have found a new love for TRX (Total Body?) suspension training.  It's amaze-balls and I could not physically move for two days after... therefore, I didn't workout for two days, which only made my workout-thoughts worse. Plus, Jillian Michael's is sooo annoying to me at times.  UGH.  If only I had access to a gym, all of the time, with childcare, that didn't cost money.. my life would be mostly complete.  Instead, I have to switch it up every now and then... I can't wait for my R.I.P.P.E.D. DVD to come in.  Google it.  I loooved the classes with Stacy Mitchell, but see the sentence before; money, childcare..yeah.

I am so thankful for my partner-in-crime who is helping us get through this rough patch.  Although, he's starting to feel the impacts of it, too.. financially.  Plus, all of the other drastic changes to our lives and I don't say drastic negatively.  J gained physical custody of the girls in June, their mother moved to S.C. and they obviously miss her and are upset with the situation.  Therefore, stress has occurred there.

We are doing the best that we can, with the resources that we have.  But despite the fact that I appear strong and driven, I still struggle.  I cry a lot.  I get upset.  I get emotional.  I don't understand people and why they do things.  I don't get the way of this world very often anymore... but what I do know is that I care about people, as a whole, I want to protect the innocence of my children, of any child, and I want what's best for every person.  There's so much negativity out there, it's hard to not bring it into the house, especially when stress is occurring or outsiders bring it in.  But we (J and I) try very hard not to.  We continue to talk about the positives of the day; what's going well, what did you learn, what can you do differently, etc.  I come from a strengths-based perception, mostly learned in grad school, but I also feel that it's truly innate within me. 

I just want you all to know that I am completely human.  I struggle like all of you.  I talk about it.  I read about it.  I cry about it and I obviously write about it. 

My hope for 2014 is to get my goals in check, to know what I am working towards.  I have a few weeks to do that.. and I hope to get the kids on board, too.  There's nothing more fulfilling than crossing off things that you have completed.  :)  I am hoping, with all of my fingers and toes crossed, that I will be working.  I am credentialed with a number of insurance companies, it's mostly about the office space at this point.  Technicalities... hurting my bank account, credit and mental well being. 

But I'll be okay.  We will all be okay.  Really, we will.  Just keep in mind that while you're struggling, so is someone else.  It doesn't matter the "depth" of the reality and what the struggle is, just know that we are all human and we do feel pain, as much as we want to think we are numb to it... it's there.  Just never undermine anyone else's struggle.. or compare yours to theirs. 

So in the mean time, I'll keep pushing through my workouts and making sure I do not go more than 2 days without a workout (that's been a goal for the past 6 weeks), I'll be more mindful of what goes into my body (oh my god, I had three beers on Thanksgiving, never again... light weight and holy hell do I feel gross when I do drink), and I'll continue to do my VERY best for my children, all 4 of them.  I'll continue to create positive, ever-lasting, weird, crazy memories with them.  I'll make sure the Elf on the Shelf does his antics, despite me not wanting to get out of bed after I just got comfy and remembered that the Elf is still perched on his shelf... I'll read 8 gazillion stories 500 million times because Dusty the Cropduster needs to be read, I'll make sure "mommy-do it" because "I need want you" and I'll kiss those fingers and toes even though you are 5 years old, I'll let you wear your cape to a basketball game...

 and oh, you want to have a different cup than the one I just poured your chocolate milk into?!... all while trying to grumble less and doing some mindful breathing, because you are only little for so much longer.  I'll make sure you are well dressed with what you think is the utmost fashion, despite the teenaged angst and mood swings and talking back, and the fact that those jeans realllly don't fit.  I'll ensure that you are at your practices and have the tools needed to succeed.  I will support you, emotionally, mentally and physically; going to every activity that I can.  I will annoy you and ask you if your homework is done 18 thousand times.  I'll ask if you're sleeping alright or if you need anything... because that's how it should be.  I will get annoyed and pissed off when you talk about disrespecting teachers, classmates and peers on the bus. And I'll bite your head off if I experience anyone bullying their sibling. I will always hope that you never have to experience a loss due to suicide.

I will always be a step ahead of you, because well.. been there and thought I was really smart and manipulative, too. 

I will pick you up when you fall and I'll always have your back.  All of you. 

All with a smile on my face and hiding the tears from my eyes. 

No-way did I make it through No-weigh November

Yep, it's true.  I weighed myself.  The scale didn't move.  It didn't budge.  Not even an ounce.  I am thankful that I took pictures though.  I also measured myself.  This is also because I started a detox tea.  All-natural, GF, tea from www.skinnyfoxdetox.com.  I think it tastes yummy.  I thought it would be a nice addition to my routine, whether it works or not.. we shall see.  I'm only a week in.  I had to take stomach pictures before starting.  Those are saved to my phone and I'll reveal those after the challenge is up (3 weeks from now).  I do have difficulty cutting out dairy though.  Whether it be the cream for my coffee or greek yogurt.  I just can't seem to shake those two.  Better effort coming forth....

Anyways... here are pics from my start of Phase 1 of Jillian Michael's Body Revolution to today, the start of Phase 2... four weeks apart.  I missed three days throughout the month.  All three of those days were cardio days.  I did TRX (oh em gee, love it) on Monday and did a "Better Booty" workout two times... that I would like to incorporate into my routine 2x's a week for a month and then up to it 3x's a week... I just haven't gotten there.  But none the less.. here are the 4 week progress shots:

*biceps seem to be coming along nicely, as well as the shoulders*

*I really don't know how to flex*

*My lighting is terrible*

 *Back is looking good, too*

I purchased some Yaktrax to be able to run in the snowy, icy cold weather.  Yep, it's snowing here like cAArraaazzZZZy.  And I love it.  <3
I have never really run in the snow-snow.  JW and I ran a race in the cold in November and December of last year... but there was not any snow on the ground.

Well.. like I said.. it's snowing here.  Which means all four of my kids are outside playing in it.  No one's crying.  No one's screaming.  No one's shooting nerf discs at anyone.  It's quiet... and I'm going to take a shower.  In peace.

That is.. until I hit publish and TOTALLY jink myself.

Happy Thanksgiving y'all.. make healthy choices.  Be mindful.  Get out and play!  :)

Soooo, when does something become a habit?

Habits are hard to break... so I've heard.  I also heard that it takes a certain amount of time for a habit to form.  I was hoping it would be around now.. 4 weeks in.  I did not want to work out today.  Or yesterday.  Or the day before.  Tuesdays are my "calendar" days off.  Monday I was supposed to do cardio, but I thought, "ehh, I'll just do it Tuesday, on my usual day off."  Well, I didn't.  So I went two whole days without working out.  That's the first in 4 weeks.  I know I shouldn't beat myself up over it, so I didn't.  I literally made myself work out today though.  I dreaded the work out.  I texted the boyfriend and said just that, "I dread working out :("  He wrote back, "you will feel better."  I got it after I worked out.  :)  This morning I kept telling myself, "I'll workout and then I'll blog about how I didn't want to work out."  Boring.



But I'm going to be honest... today was the first time in weeks that I really felt like I don't want to work out anymore, as in.. ever again.  I REALLY dreaded changing my pants into shorts... I already had the sports bra on.. just kept the long sleeve CoopLoop shirt on.  Then I hit "play."  I really wanted the 2 year old to be asleep, but there was no luck on my side for that one.  But hey, he's asleep now.. snoring away:



I can't give up.  I can never give up.  Nope...  So what do I do to hold myself even more accountable?  More than doing the positive self talk.. because let's face it... actions speak louder than words... I sign up for really *dumb* things.  I say dumb right now because I'm thinking in my head, "now why would I sign up for a 200 mile relay race?"  Yeah, you read that.  I SIGNED UP FOR A 200 MILE RELAY RACE.  Relay is the key-word.  Thank goodness.  Which means, I'll run 3 legs of it over a 2 day period with no sleep.  I joined a team out of Albany and will be traveling to Cape Cod Mother's Day weekend to compete in this challenge.  The rest of my clan will meet me there on Saturday.. at the finish line and we will spend the rest of the weekend on the Cape and relaxing.  :) 



And then I am going to do another 200 mile relay race in September.  This one going from Lake George to Lake Placid.  And I'll then earn the double medal:



The only other race I am signed up for at this point is the Spartan Sprint.  The boyfriend and I hope to also do the Super and Beast to earn our Trifecta in 2014.  I'm sure most of you are thinking, "ugh what?"  So here's the link: http://www.spartanrace.com/spartan-trifecta-members.html. 



The only reason we are not signed up for any other races is due to a lack in funds.  It's expensive, adds up and we just cannot justify it right now.

However, that should change REAL soon.  I have been credentialed with at least one insurance company... so I am that much closer to being in private practice, whoop whoop!:)

And I have a whole lot of races that I want to sign up for... !! 

Anyways, back to the habits forming.  It's crazy how so much of our not wanting to exercise is in our heads.  Crazy I tell ya.  My thoughts this morning:

* I don't want to get sweaty
* It's going to suck because I hate push ups
* I just want to weigh myself

Okay.  So then I had to change those thoughts around:

* Sweating is fat crying
* Push ups suck because they work
* What the eff for?!  You look good, you feel great.. you wore leggings the other day and leggings aren't pants. 

*Don't mind the mess behind me.. it's not mine...* I need a mirror in my bedroom*

Yeah, those leggings?  Freaking comfortable.  Check out: www.privityboutique.com for some super awesome $15 leggings.  Again, another Instagram motivation.

I knew I wasn't going to get much else done today.. so I did me.  And I feel great. 

Mind/Matter. Mind OVER Matter.

So much of life is mind over matter.  Really.  Our brains talk to us WAY too much.  I mean, I thought I talked a lot, personally.  But my brain really doesn't shut up. EVER.  So, recently (like a day ago), I decided that I need to do more of this:

A few posts ago I mentioned how so much of my life is about being mindful.  In that we need to be mindful of our every day thoughts.  When things are bothering you do you REALLY pay attention to what your brain is saying.  REALLY pay attention?  If it's negative, change it.  Flip it around.  Tell your brain to shut it and press on.

This morning I had no motivation WHATSOEVER to work out.  I had a plan though.  My intention was to have lunch with the little dude, give it a half hour, put him down for a nap and blast thru a video.  And I did.  Why?  Because I kept telling myself I was going to.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  I just did it.  I am thankful.  I was simply one workout away from a better mood (I have been a grump-ass the past 24 hours and it really needed to stop)... and I TOTALLY JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY. 

Now, in being mindful of my thoughts... why was yesterday a total grump-ass day?  What was yesterday.. a really cool date (11/12/13).. but it was my "rest" day.  I did no exercise.  I can't tell ya what I ate because I really don't remember.  I know that the majority of the day I kept thinking about exercising, even talked about working out with someone in the near future... but I didn't exercise.  Why?  Because my calendar said "rest." 

I designed that calendar three weeks ago.  I only rested because it said to.  Perhaps I should be mindful, listen to my thoughts, see what's so grump-ass about them and do the opposite.  I probably should have just worked out.  Duh.  It's all I thought about and researched throughout the day.

P.S.:  Even retail therapy didn't help yesterday.  That's gotta tell you what a natural anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication working out is and how beneficial endorphins are for your body. 

Just listen to your thoughts and... just do the opposite... until your brain is trained to only say the good stuff.  ;)

#Numbers#

Numbers.  Why must they define our success or progress or where we are at?

I'm having a very tough time in not getting on the scale.  I know how unhealthy it was for me, mentally and physically, to constantly weigh myself (daily and sometimes multiple times in a day).  I asked Jeff's daughters to hide the scale on me.  Jeff said, "weird, right?" to them.  Yeah, it's weird.  I agree.  But what's even more weird are the constantly annoying thoughts in my head in almost wanting to search for the scale.  I promised myself I would not weigh myself until December.  It's only the 8th of November.  It's only been a week and two days since the last time I weighed myself.  I lived a whole 2.5 years without a scale; sneaking a weigh-in at work and at the gym was the only the other place where I had access to a scale.  And in that 2.5 years is when I was at my worst..err, heaviest.  Maybe it's a cognitive, irrational belief in that I need to weigh myself to know where I am at.  Even though I feel good.  For the most part.

Probably the same goes with my checking and savings account.  Pssh, don't measure my success there.  There's nothing there!! However, I constantly feel the need to check it.  Daily.  Even though I am not putting anything there... maybe I have another irrational belief that perhaps someone else may put something there.  Ha! :)

Anyways, I am going to continue to hold myself accountable and not weigh myself.. just to see what the scale shows in 3 weeks.  After that, I want to only weigh myself weekly.  That's what I did when I first started this journey and then it became obsessive for some reason.  I guess because I lost weight so quickly, it was almost an excitement for me to see the numbers lessen (while my checkbook has the opposite effect..weird).  Maybe I'm reaching a "plateau" of sorts. 

But in that the numbers are going down on the scale why are my jean sizes not going down?  I have been wearing my "fat jeans" from college.  I have almost always been able to "fit" into them (at times not so prettily).  They seem to fit differently now; definitely tight in the quads and way, way loose in the waist.  Maybe it's because I haven't really gone shopping and automatically grab the size 12s because that's what I am used to... and they "fit."  Ish.  Maybe it's because I'm afraid to look in the mirror to see what it really looks like on me.  It's so sad how destructive our brain can be.  We need to change that.  I HAVE tried on a pair of hand-me-down 7s..  I was able to get them on and button them.  But I still won't wear them.  WHY?!!!

I was wearing leggings the other day.  Ya know, those reallllly tight tight, leave nothing to the imagination pants, that every girl wears with their boots and a cute sweater or their boyfriend's buttondown?.. yeah.. I looked in the mirror.  A few of them.  Then I immediately texted my boyfriend and said, "Why haven't you told me how ridiculous these pants look on me?!"  They aren't tight.  They are loose and bunchy and I look like a frumpy mom.  I DON'T WANNA BE THE FRUMPY MOM.  Come on now.  He didn't respond.  I brought it up at dinner.  He said because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  I think it's because he doesn't want me lookin' too good ;) haha.  (ILY).

I could go on and on about numbers and how they define us, but I think many other people have written about that.  Instead, I'll continue with my purpose of this blog: to motivate myself and others.  And in that I have taught myself and y'all that the key to success is positive self talk.  If we tell ourselves that we must be a certain weight (number), pant size (number), make a certain salary (#) or have a really big house with lots of square footage (number)... we are only hurting ourselves and not living.  Really, you aren't living if you have to define everything with a number and are constantly working towards that number.  Living is right now.  NOW.  We have already lived in the past and we can't go back there.  We can't transport into the future, we aren't there yet either.  So live nOw.  In the moment.  There is no number on that.  There is no number on the feel good feel after a workout.  There is no number on the satisfaction of cooking and eating a really tasty, yummy, good for you, filling meal.  There is no number on the fun you have when you go down the slide with your 2 year old because you can fit comfortably in the slide and are not winded from running around.... because there's always "one more time, mommy!" <3